Marriage & Love

I was a young girl when I first heard the verses in Corinthians 13. When I did not have any healthy examples of love, these verses stayed with me as a sense of hope over the years. Even though I am divorced, I still believe in the Corinthians’ sense of love.

Confession: I don’t idealize the institution that is marriage anymore, but I still believe in marriage.

Why?

I believe in love.

Love is patient.

In a relationship, there will be times when you must wait for one another when it comes to making decisions, resolving conflicts, or whatever situation that involves a disagreement that impacts your relationship. 

Sometimes, you have to let the other person find something out on their own. 

Sometimes, you need your partner to be patient whether it means giving the time or space to sort things out for yourself before you can sort it out together. 

Love is one’s willingness to be patient for the sake of each other.

Love is kind.

In my opinion, kindness will keep a married couple happy. Kindness is more than doing nice things for one another. It is more than just remembering important dates like birthdays and anniversaries. It is about affection, trust, and intimacy. It is not just physical or emotional.

Kindness can be easily taken for granted. Kindness is not something you should have to think about it. It should be a habit. 

Kindness may require purposeful mindfulness from time to time, to ensure you keep your relationship strong.

Kindness is being each other’s champion. It could mean celebrating successes. It could mean supporting them in weak moments.

Kindness is also about taking care of yourself. I find some people neglect their own wellbeing for the sake of their relationship. Love is kind when each person can still focus on their own well-being without feeling like it negatively affects the health of their relationship.

Having a man tell me “Do you!” is one of the best things ever.

It rejoices in the truth.

Love is about facing the array of truths in life. 

The truth is marriage gives each person certain rights and privileges that they may otherwise not have. 

The truth is the law gives married couples some protections that other couples do not have.

The truth is marriage gives women more options for a financially stable future. 

Medical Decisions

When I was married, I had a serious operation when I was overseas. Being married at the time, he had the power to make medical decisions for me if I was unable to. If I was not married, it would be someone who was my medical proxy or next of kin. It comforted me to know I could rely on my spouse at the time. Even though we were struggling in our marriage, he did right by me when I was sick.

If I had any serious medical issues in the future, I would want my next of kin to be whoever my next husband will be. I would also want to know that my partner has the right to visit me during restricted hours and in certain locations such as the ICU. This is usually a privilege only granted to a spouse.

Employment Benefits

When I lived overseas, I started to realize how one enjoys certain employment benefits in the event a loved one dies. My great aunt passed away while I lived overseas. I would have had to take unpaid leave because there were too many degrees between our familial relationship. My husband at the time could also only take off so many days to help me when I was sick.

Now that I no longer young without a care in the world, I appreciate knowing that I have health insurance and access to family or bereavement leave if needed. Having the option to sign up to a partner’s health insurance is a relief especially in the event I got pregnant. It definitely doesn't sound romantic to get married after the fact just for health benefits. 

Inheritance Laws

When my grandfather died, I was only four years old. From what I understand, he paid off their house which enabled my grandmother to have a home until she died. He also guaranteed that we always had a home to celebrate the holidays in. I never got to know my grandfather since I was so young, but I felt his love in that house.  

If I am going to buy a house with a partner, I would want to ensure I had a home in the event my partner passed away or the opposite. I would want to make sure that my partner was able to keep the home we built together if something happened to me. To me, loving someone is about wanting to take care of each other even when you can no longer. Even though love is supposed to be selfless, I have grown up to know love should be mutual. In other words, selflessness should be mutual.

Financial Protections

Based on my experiences and observations of other women in cohabitating relationships, I learned women need to be mindful of what financial sacrifices they are willing to make without some sort of contractual protection.

If the woman is not co-owner on a house, the reality is that a woman tends to be in a far worse financial position when a relationship ends. Women still face a pay gap. Because women also take more time off from work to raise children or give birth, women may also have lower social security benefits at the time of retirement. Even today, I notice mothers more often than fathers leave work for family emergencies such as a sick child or having repairs done on the house.

For me, I would not make sacrifices if I was cohabitating with a partner unless I had some sort of protection. The truth is marriage gives women the possibility of alimony and equitable distribution of property if she is entitled to it.

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The institution of marriage needs to be redefined continuously within our society to reflect changes in family structure and the changes in roles between men and women. I wonder how same-sex couples can access some of these protections and legal benefits.

As a woman, I have also realized the reality of my sex and the ways in which marriage offers me some protections that I can not have in a cohabitation relationship. 

Until society takes into consideration ways to put women on an equal footing with men financially, marriage will continue to be a lifeline for some women. It would be nice if men were more kind to this.

Photo by Leighann Renee on Unsplash