The Family Factor in Marriage

Our deacon told us that we were marrying each other, not each other’s families. While that may be true, I learned it can be hard to ignore the impact family has on a marriage relationship. Spoiler alert: we are now divorced. 

Before I explore this, I want to disclose that I always thought marriage will open the door to being part of a bigger family. I was naive to think it would just naturally happen through marriage. 

Our marriage felt like a battleground where we tried surviving against all odds—unemployment, discrimination, and family drama. When we first got married, it was about us despite it all. Perhaps it was because we lived overseas but it got easier to just live apart from our families for the sake of us.

For me, the lack of family was upsetting. I grew up in a big family; at one point, I think I had over 250 cousins taking into consideration fifth and sixth generations. You can get a glimpse into why my relationship with my own blood family is strained by reading previous articles. 

When I got married, I hoped to feel a sense of family again. Even though my deacon and other people say that two people marry each other and not their families, the reality is that families affect a marriage relationship.

The extent to which families have a negative impact on a relationship depends on how each partner handles conflict. Ignoring conflict entirely or engaging in pointless conflict does not help anything. It is not just about picking your battles but picking the right ones to strengthen your marriage. 

How someone deals with family issues reflects their sense of family which can be different for each person. Some people deal with their family from a distance. Some people ignore family members that drive them crazy. Some people will talk things out with family members. I realized the way someone was raised and how they learned to cultivate relationships influences the reality of their family life. 

The major lesson for me out of my divorce is giving a relationship time before considering marriage to get to know one another and each other’s families so we can assess how our relationship responds to the family factor. 

If feeling part of a family or creating a family is important to you as much as it is to me, only time will tell you whether you will have the family you want with a prospective partner. Do not rush into marriage until you feel enough time has passed to grasp what family will be like with this person. 

The hard part comes when you realize you have different ideas of family life. At that point, you have to decide if it is something you are willing to compromise or not. This was a very hard decision for me when I was married because not compromising my idea of family life meant divorce. 

Everyone has a different idea of family in theory and in practice. Sometimes, the family you find could be better than your idea had of it. 

Before I get married again, I will give myself the time I did not take the first time around. 



Photo by Mike Scheid on Unsplash